I have had blogs in the past. It seems to me I have had a different one for every phase of my life. There was my high school love, which morphed into my first year university love. Then there was my great love...which perhaps didn't get blogged about nearly as much once I passed the 6 month mark. In retrospect, maybe that is when I started to lose myself...when I no longer had time for me and I somehow got very, very lost in the big void that was Him.
Now, let me state here that "Him" is not God. I am like 99% sure I am an atheist. I have more belief in karma and faith than an actual God...but the thought of a higher power is definitely nice.
I very much want this blog to be about me. And my life. I have lots of friends who I have tried talking to about all of the changes that my life is going through. But pretty much none of them want to listen, and the ones that are listening have some of the most hypocritical things to say.
I am dealing with being single for the second time in my life. The first time being the period from when I was born until July 21, 2008. That's right, we made it just over 2 years. Then, on August 30, 2010, my life came crashing around my ears. Really, it shouldn't surprise me. We had been having issues for a LONG time, me and Him. Not seeing eye-to-eye was a big one. Me being the person with more money in the bank and a more stable job was also a large factor. And, towards the end there, it was about me wanting to explore. Not in a geographic sense of going out into the world and seeing its wonders, but in being with other people, and making sure He was what I wanted.
That's how this all started, if I am being honest. I met the Engineer. At work, duh, and we became fast friends. Having another guy that close to me in my life was threatening for him, and ultimately I believe it is the reason that he cheated on me.
I watched "Where the Wild Things Are" today, without Him. I had been waiting, because he wanted to watch it together. I have little triumphs like this almost daily. I am getting back to me. My hair is the way I want it. I dress the way I want to dress. I am working on my blanket again, for the first time in months, and I am reconnecting with friends that He didn't give me time for in the past. And, I am throwing myself into a new relationship. That might be hard to understand, and maybe I haven't spent enough time on my own. But did it ever occur to anyone that maybe I don't want to be alone? That maybe I would be very content with someone else who thinks about me at night, who wants to be with me during the day, who moves mountains to see me...who doesn't want to see me get hurt. I want someone like that, and for now, my Engineer will do. Perhaps he too will break my heart, and I certainly hope that it hurts more than when He did.
I wonder if He will read this. I mean, I don't think I will set up any special privacy settings to make sure he doesn't. I don't even think he blogs anymore anyway. That would be entirely too convenient. His blog was targeted towards his personal fitness, which was essentially non-existent. And the last time he posted was the Friday before he went away, and exactly one week before I found out he was in jail.
I almost feel like this needs to be two postings. But that would be lame.
I greatly miss the Engineer. Not dating, so I can't miss him for that. I miss him as my very best friend. There isn't much that I haven't shared with him since we started to get close. He knows more about me than perhaps I would like, in case this ever turns into something for real. He is gone, on an outdoorsy trip (I apparently have a thing for outdoorsy photographers with non-brown eyes...as an observation).
Here's hoping when he gets back, he has no objection to being locked in a room with me for a day.
With that, I should sign off. And get back to my blanket. =)
-Me
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